What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize