I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
