I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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