On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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