Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I have fence marks all over my body
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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