I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
