After last night, I could never be a politician.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize