yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
