the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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