My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
