I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize