You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
