Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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