i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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