Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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