The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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