the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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