Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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