her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
