hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
