Farmville is her only friend.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
