Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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