I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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