is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
