I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
