That's intense
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
