when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
