I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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