i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
