It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
