Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
