how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
