Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize