my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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