Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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