I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
