If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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