im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
