I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
