I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
