if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
