I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
