I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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