is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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