I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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