I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
