just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
