a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
