How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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