i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
