True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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