somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize