Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
