nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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