He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
