Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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