Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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