you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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