i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
