I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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