Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
