The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im six kinds of drunk right now
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Did I show you my penis last night?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
