i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
