just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
